Of thankfulness and regrets

So it is upon us...Thanksgiving. A time to be thankful and eat a large amount of food. This year I will be hosting Thanksgiving at Emma's house. It is not a big group...only 5 of us, but none the less it is fun.

Now, I can go on and say what I am thankful for. All of the generic answers of steady job, family, health and the like, and though I do not take these things for granted and am truly thankful for them, deep down what are we truly thankful for. I have been thinking and because I have had no time for reflective thought, I came up with nothing. Sad really.

But of more importance, I finally came to terms with what I regretted. Most of you know that I have always renounced regret and could only give a list of "it's too bads". For example, it is too bad that I didn't get to it and finish my MSc. It is too bad that I got in a car accident when I was 17 (although not my fault). Stuff like that and in the long run I only have about 5.

The movie Amadeus is of great importance and inspiration to me. I used to watch it every time I went to grandmommy's house from the time I was 7. It gave me the inspiration to begin my journey with classical music. I taught myself to read and play basic piano and most importantly I was inspired to sing. The opera singers they chose for that movie have the most beautiful voices. Clean and truly magnificent.

I remember being in the children's choir at Auntie Biz's church, I remember being in the children's choir (that was shortly lived) and adult choir at Saint John's church, I remember being in the middle school choir, singing when I was a part of Job's Daughters.

I remember when I met Gene Wright. She came to my choir class when I was 12. She had each of us come into the back room so she could listen to us sing and teach us how to breathe. The rest is history. I began taking lessons from her and when I was 13 I attended my first regional singing competition (something that you weren't supposed to do until you were in high school). I got a top score singing a song in English "Who is Sylvia" (which is a surprise).
I continued to sing and every year I competed at regionals. I even attended a musical camp hosted by Evergreen State College when I was 15 and another that was hosted by Berkelee College of Music when I was 16. I began to sing with the Tacoma Master Chorale and sang in Mendelson's Elijah.


In the 2004 regional I got my first 2 (which is an absolute tragedy when you are used to getting 1 and +1). The song I picked was too hard, but I was ambitious. The next year I received a runner up at regional and this is why. When I was finished with my song "Voi che saprete" from The Marriage of Figaro written by Mozart, I was praised as a mezzo soprano. A famous opera singer told me not to sing anything else, only parts for mezzo sopranos. I was flattered. They wanted me to come back at the end of the day so I could sing again so they could decide who would go to the State Finals. For some reason, I decided not to stay. For the first time in my life I was nervous to sing. Little did I know there were only two of us they wanted to hear again. The next year I sang an aria by Verdi and was told I had received runner up right away.

Always runner up. And I had put myself there.

When I was 18 my lessons were over because I graduated from High School and Gene rarely taught adults. She had also decided to stop taking on new students, but for me, if there were no more competitions, then I hadn't the motivation. For the most part I quit singing all together. I was only runner up in something I loved and did extremely well at. I short changed myself. I decided not to continue music into my University years, which is one of my too bads.

So now on to my regret. This was incredibly hard for me, like I said, I have always told myself that I regret nothing. But after watching Amadeus, which I haven't watched in years, I was inspired and decided to sing my song that would have gotten me to the finals. I have it. It is rusty, but I do have that clear resonating voice that carries for miles. It is still there.

I decided to wash the dishes. When I wash dishes I tend to meditate, or worry really. But I meditated on my voice that I still have and finally it came to me...my regret. And here it is...

I regret not staying to sing my song again. I kept myself from succeeding I am sure because I am afraid of failure and I like to sell my self short. Why expect greatness when you are convinced it won't happen. When you are used to being 2nd.

So this year I am thankful that I was able to finally be truthful with myself...let myself have a regret that I can finally amend and come to terms with and release.

And for the moral of the story for my younger sisters (and I guess for you too dad), when you find the talent that you have, one in which you love and are effortlessly good at...continue to make it better...go the extra 10 miles to be the best. Don't short change yourself.

Here is a youtube of my favourite song I did for regional sung by Cecillia Bartoli a great opera singer. The one that I could have gone it state with: